Don't stop believing

Two years back around this time, I was packing my monstrous bags to move from Lancaster to London...oh what a day that was. Breaking bottles, picking up glass pieces, packing, re-packing, discarding, dumping. The biggest worry then was finding a taker for the fridge ! Watching the campus around me looking like a refugee camp with people throwing away stuff...someone’s trash ...someone’s treasure. Leaving friends, looking forward to meeting old ones. The sun was shining quite brightly. The grad bar was gearing up for the last socials. As usual they were playing loud music, and it was only 10 am. I wasn’t grumbling this time. Never really grumbled about it. Always felt good with the music, admittedly. Besides there were no assignments to be written that day. That’s when I heard the song – Don’t stop believing. I stopped what I was doing, stood by my window as I had done a hundred times before. It dawned upon me - it probably was the last time I was doing so. But it did not feel sad. I knew I would miss the place. But there was much more to look forward to. London – a dream coming to life at last. Aspirations, a bright future. The only way was up. Nothing could have felt better. As I left Lancaster, the song played in my mind on and on and on... I was listening to Bon Jovi as usual, but the sentiment was Don’t stop believing. In what ? In myself. I had no idea about what was to follow ... obviously !

A lot of shit happened between then and now. Set backs, heart ache, the what-the-hell-am-I-doing here feeling creeping in. And then again, things looked up for a while, I slid downhill, climbed up, fell down, crawled up, gave up, woke up gathering all the remainder strength, carried on.... Finally got somewhere. Wasn’t perfect, but was a start to somewhere. In all the turmoil, had some realisations. Reality doesn’t always unfold as per one’s wishes or planning for that matter. Challenges unforeseen get thrown at you. Not everything can be under one’s control. Try telling that to a control freak like me, I would laugh it off, but experiencing it first hand is a different thing. The world keeps telling you it’s not enough. But then you work around situations, keep pushing, learn to compromise, give things a chance ! It’s amazing how one can pick up the pieces when everything around seems to be falling apart. And things do fall apart, at some point they do ! The good thing is that in such circumstances you realise who will stand by you, and who will stand by the sideline and watch. It’s a cruel revelation, but nevertheless true. The earlier one has it, the better. It’s also strange how in such circumstances one falls back to old habits, routines that seem to bring comfort, strength, and sometimes direction. In Lancaster, they taught us the art of reflection. Made us sit under trees and reflect. I laughed it off then as an utter waste of time. After all I had given up writing diaries ages back. No prizes for guessing how many diaries I’ve filled in since. It was always in me. I should have never stopped. Was the best way to organise my thoughts.

People...what about people ? I’ve never thought I was a people person, always thought I could do it all by myself. But it’s when you hit a wall when you then start thinking of who on Earth could listen and understand. (Listening is the key.) And I was lucky I thought hard and tried, and found them. Life would have been a pain if I had not opened up to someone. These were real issues. Not mundane gossip or weekend planning. Help and comfort comes in strange packages, but only if you ask for it. And sometimes even the seemingly strongest have to bend down and ask for it. Sometimes it takes a lot of beating to realise that the reality you think is, is not. It may only be an illusion that you have created because it felt good, it felt right, and it became real in your head. Sometimes it takes a rude wake up call to get you out of that illusion, and it takes someone with a clear head to make you see what you have been doing.

Two years on with loads of experiences in my bag, good and bad, I finally know where I stand – I’d like to think. Humbled by situations, shaken by people, letting go of illusions, reassessing dreams and aspirations, and finally understanding who and what matters. What still remains is hope and belief that everything will be alright if only I didn’t stop believing it would. I am standing by a different window this time, the sun isn’t shining – but can hardly expect that in the middle of the night. It’s the same song playing, it’s the same sentiment....Paying anything to roll the dice....one more time !